- Be sure that they know that they aren’t your biggest priority
- Let the iPad do the entertaining
- Feed them formula filled with high fructose corn syrup
- Feed them sugar filled juice – they’ll drink lots of it
- When diet sends them over-the-moon get a drug to calm them
- Don’t offer newborns water – doctor’s orders
- When water is introduced make sure it has lots of chemicals
- Rev-up the hormones early – use plastic bottles
- Microwave snacks to save time – it’s fast filler food
- Don’t play with them – they need to be independent
- Use babysitters often – then need to be “socialized”
- Don’t bother reading labels – the contents haven’t killed you
- Run to the doctor with every sniffle
- Fill every prescription
- Don’t bother researching – doctors know everything
- Don’t cuddle with them – that’s for wussies
- Don’t waste time tucking them in – sleep is more important
- Feed them plenty of fast food – convenience is everything
- Don’t plan family dinners – you’ll bore them
- Enroll them in every extracurricular activity you can find
- Don’t praise them no matter how good or bad they are
- Fight in front of them often – everybody does
- Argue with your teenager over everything big or small
- If your teen rebels- beat, berate or ignore – it’s your choice
- Use your smart phone non-stop – it tunes them out
- Ridicule them often – they’ll learn how to give it back later
- Criticize their weight, their brains and their friends often
- Say whatever you want to say – you’re the adult
- Expect them to do as you say and not as you do
- Let them drink alcohol with you – it builds tolerance
- If you find weed in their pockets – let it go – everybody does it
- When they’re bored send them to the mall to hang out
- If they don’t have money give them your credit card
- Buy them the latest and greatest always – they deserve it
- Put cable and Internet in their room – it keeps them busy
- Let them listen to lots of demoralizing music
- Don’t make them get fresh air – video time is good enough
- Buy the popular video games – violence is make-believe
- Buy your girls Victoria Secret – make them sexy early
- When they post provocative pictures on the web let it go
- Get your girls on birth control at the first mention of boys
- Tell your boys to have fun (be sure to wink)
- Teach them that they’re better than all of their friends
- Tell them that poor people are lazy and worthless
- Don’t teach them to give back – that’s for losers
- Don’t ever say you’re sorry – that’s a sign of weakness
- Sneak snacks into movies – breaking rules is conditional
- Break the speed limit and text while driving – you’re the adult
- Cuss often and be sure to use the “F” bomb – everybody does
- Don’t give them a spiritual foundation – that’s for ninnies
- Ignore your aging parents – old people are all used-up
- Make fun of “fat” or “ugly” people – you’re better than them
Mix all ingredients thoroughly. If you miss a few of them don’t worry about it. The end result will be the same. If you do it right you’ll have the recipe mastered for all future generations. Enjoy!
ADVOCATING FOR CHILDREN’S HEALTH
ONE CHILD AT A TIME!
CLICK HERE to start with the basics
